A Pile of Rocks

Some friends of mine are putting on an improv show, A Pile Of Rocks on Sunday, 15th of April.  It will be in Accents Cafe, 23 Stephen Street Lower, Dublin and is free admission. It promises to be a good time for all, but may not actually contain rocks…

(The poster is designed by Cethan Leahy (me, the person whose blog you are presently enjoying). )

 

Nightmares in Slush

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have noticed a sizeable gap in the market so I am writing to you with a “can’t fail” proposal. I bet you can’t wait to hear my Million Dollar Idea! I hope you are sitting down… A Children’s Edition of Abdul Alhazred’s timeless classic “The Necronomicon.”

I know what you are thinking, “What a Great Idea!” Finally, the Magmum Opus of the “Mad Arab” at the fingertips of the next generation. All the dark, unfathomable powers of the cosmos in a format any 5 to 9 year old can comprehend.  It would be a great aid to any school or home library. No more awkward questions like “What is an Elder Thing?”, “Is Yuggoth technically a planet?” and “Which direction are the Mountains of Madness?”

Now you may be concerned about the commercial value for this project. Do not worry, as I have exhaustibly tested it among the classes of St. Michael Elementary School under the guise of an open day, “Bringing The Old Ones to The Young Ones”. It was a great success. The 2nd grade even managed to summon the many limbed Cthulhu, who was not best pleased, I can tell you! Fortunately the resultant havoc was the only bump on an otherwise perfect day. Even the 2nd grade teacher will agree with that, should he ever regain consciousness.

I have been translating obscure texts for several years on an amateur level and I have contributed some articles to the magazines “Esoterica” and “Demonic Literature Yearly”. If interested, I can send you copies.

Please find enclosed a sample three chapters of the book, a synopsis and some examples of illustrations, as inked in human blood (Not mine of course!). I am sending this as part of a series of simultaneous submissions but I would love for “The Early Ages Nerconomicon” to find a home with your publishing house. Thank you for your time and attention, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Cethan Leahy

P.S. Note I have not included a SAE. If my submission is unsuccessful, there is no need to return it. However do not attempt to recycle the manuscript. It has proven resistant to such measures.

UPDATE:

(Some responses from publishers for “The Early Ages Necronomicon”. The names of publishing houses have been withheld out of professional courtesy.)

Dear Cethan,

Thank you for sending your translation of the Necronomicon for Early Ages. We found it unnerving and it is clear that you thoroughly researched it.

Unfortunately, it is not quite what we are looking for at the moment. We are concentrating more on YA fiction and less on abominations in direct violation of Nature’s Laws.

We wish you the best of luck in some career other than writing.

Best wishes,

Mary

  ***

Dear Cethan

We have received your manuscript and we have decided not to take your submission any further.

Since we have received “The Early Ages Necronomicon” this morning, the following things have happened; the photocopier has stopped working, the cleaner complained about a rip in known reality in the kitchen and every book we printed since our establishment in 1854 has burned in a series of mysterious fires.

Curse you for thinking of us

Kath

PS. We have contacted the Vatican for assistance in the disposal of your work. Expect a bill.

  ***

Dear Cethan,

We have burned your manuscript.

Sincerely,

Sandra

  ***

Dear Cethan,

Can you send the remainder of your manuscript? (Please do not interpret this as an interest in publication. We do not wish to publish it. Our intern has undergone a hideous transfiguration and we need the solution in the back to reverse the process. )

Regards

Diane

 ***

Dear Cethan,

We love your “The Early Ages Necronomicon.” Please send us the entire manuscript. With your help, we will be able to welcome a new dawn on this bitter planet and usher in our new overlords.

Sincerely

A Cabal of Mysterious Hooded Gentlemen

P.S. we charge a reading fee of £35. Is that okay?

Blog update!

Hey, I didn’t notice you there. Come in, sit down.

I was away from my blog for a bit but I am back now and I had some exciting stuff coming up so hang around. Make yourself comfortable. Enjoy a sandwich.

 

Short Story: A Christmas Proposal

It was late Christmas Eve and I was walking home alone. A man collided roughly into me and muttered a “Merry Christmas” with an expletive inserted there somewhere. I knelled down to pick up a present I dropped as a result and concerned by his ill-tempered manner, I hastened my stride somewhat. It had been an occurrence typical of a lacklustre holiday, filled with banalities and pointless expense.

As I proceeded further, I found myself below the balconies of some apartments. Several were covered in fairy lights and tacky ornaments. On one such balcony, a young woman was gazing, at what I could not guess. Her face, lit up in a blue glow was attractive. I could have stared at her all night, but it was cold and I am no romantic. I continued walking and passed beneath her. A few steps later, I heard a call.

“What’s today?” a female voice shouted.

I turned and saw the woman watching me with a steady observation.

“Excuse me?” I responded.

“What’s today, my fine fellow?”

“Why, it’s Christmas Eve,” said I.

“An intelligent lad, a remarkable lad! Tell me, as it is Christmas Eve, the most joyful of Eves, Why do you wear so heavy a countenance?”

“Sadly the burden the world relieves on this day, weighs double on my shoulders,” I said, playing along.

“Well sir, it is a pity that one should be unhappy on such a night while others drink merry wine. Therefore I propose a most modest proposal. If you are not otherwise engaged, come up and share a glass with a similarly solitary soul.

I walked to the door of the apartment block, pressed the correct button and she buzzed me in. As I walked down the corridor, I was quite excited. This was a rare happening of most extraordinary circumstance. This could be the opening acts of something, amazing, magical, even cinematic. At the very least, a good story to tell the next day.

She opened the door, holding two glasses of wine in one hand. She smiled, handed me one and led me inside. The place had been sparsely decorated; a bauble here and a ribbon there. A small plastic tree occupied the corner. She sat on the couch and motioned that I follow. I did so and I opened my mouth to utter something brilliant to make her fall deeply for me.

“I really like your tree.”

She ignored this underwhelming platitude and started the conversation on more futile grounds. The night ran long and we bantered well past midnight. Abruptly she asked me a curious question.

“So tell me stranger, what was your most memorable Christmas?”

Despite been caught off guard by such a direct question, an answer did immediately spring to mind. It was an oft told tale in my house, and certainly one I’ve repeated at parties or similar social occasions. It’s something of a cautionary tale, in which my nine year old self learns a valuable lesson. But as my current story concerns someone else, I will skip over this body of the anecdote, and document on her response. She smiled at my careful sneaking down the stairs to open the presents early and laughed at the moment I accidently vomit on the presents as my parents enter the room, with all my siblings. She listened but I sensed that she was impatient for my conclusion.

I finished and she began.

“That was quite the tale. Now here is my one. It was Christmas, a recent one. A gentleman and I were sitting in this very apartment, drinking a glass of moderately priced glass of red wine. We laughed and we talked and we ate. Suddenly the Christmas CD I made came to an end, and we were without music. There was a stillness in the air, I recall. He then suggested we open presents. I said ‘No. It was too early, barely Christmas Day’. But he persisted. He insisted that I would like his present, so much so that I would forgive him his eagerness…but still I said no. Ignoring this protest, he drew from his front pocket a tiny round box. He knelled down and opened it. Inside was a small ring with a stone. The design was of three loops intersecting with a diamond set in the middle. He looked and uttered some words, followed by a question…I said no.”

The girl walked over to the window and finished her wine. I watched her and sipped my wine.

Cethan’s Christmas Cinematic Choices

My Christmas Movie Picks:

Rare Exports

Great strange stuff from Finland about an evil Santa frozen in the ice, but I do worry however about any kids accidentally watching it. Christmas is stressful enough without worrying that Santa is going to steal you from you bed and leave a life size replacement doll behind.

Die Hard

There is an eternal question that befuddles the mind of many a Christmas film enthusiast. This question is “Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?” The answer is not as obvious as you may think. It is set during Christmas, but it’s not really integral to the plot. John McClane learns nothing of the true meaning of the season; unless the true meaning of the season is “walking bare foot on broken glass is painful.” However, he does kill a lot of terrorist/robbers who could be described as Grinch-like in their meanness.

It will be one of the great cinematic debates for centuries to come.

(Incidentally, why is Alan Rickman always ruining Christmas? Not only is he upsetting Bruce Willis’s plans in Die Hard, he cancels Christmas in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and he gets caught out as a love cheat in Love Actually. Do not invite this man to turkey dinner.)

Black Christmas

In the subgenre of Christmas Horror movies, Black Christmas stands out from the crowd. It’s influential as the missing link between Psycho and Halloween in the creation of the slasher film, displaying many of the hallmarks of the genre and coining several of its clichés, including 1^st person point-of-view, fake out scares and gruesome gore. It also stands apart from other Christmas Horror movies by being half way decent.

It’s a Wonderful Life

You’ve probably seen this movie. I suggest you watch it again and remember its important lessons of deferred dreams, nightmarish alternative dimensions and responsible Capitalism.

The Thin Man

Nick and Nora are a wealthy married couple that spend Christmas swapping presents and witty banter, drinking steadily through the day and solving a murder. Incidentally this is also exactly how I spend Christmas. Find out what it is like by watching this outstanding film, that started a long line of watchable sequels. For more wisecracking detectives at Christmas time, Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang is a worthy alternative in that fancy schmany “Colour” the kids are into these days.

Batman Returns

Universally agreed to be the best Batman film set at Christmas (beating out Batman & Robin), Batman Returns is exactly what a comic book Noel should be. It’s funny, creepy, gothic, a touch bizarre and it features penguins with rockets. Michael Keaton does good work as the Dark Knight and the rogue’s gallery of baddies are suitably villainous.

On reflection, Batman Returns is the best Batman film (awaits emails from angry Adam West fans).

Muppets Christmas Carol

There are many, many versions of Charlie Dickens’ A Christmas Carol (including my own version), but only one has Michael Caine being heckled by ghost versions of the muppets, Waldorf and Statler.

 

and some more!

Elf

The Nightmare Before Christmas

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Gremlins

Arthur Christmas 

Bad Santa

Cork Christmas Carol *Cough*

Romancing The Stone (Yes, not set during Christmas. But it isn’t Christmas if this isn’t sitting in the TV schedule somewhere)

So enjoy some Cethan Approved film viewing. Also if I find out that you watched none of these and instead watched Love Actually, I will be very upset.

Christmas Jokes!

Everyday till the 25th, I will post a joke on Facebook and Twitter. Here are all of them so far:

Why are Advent Calenders so scared?

Their days are numbered.

***

 Why is no one under the age of 11 getting a present this year?

They are on the Noughties List.

***

I would like to write the jokes in Christmas Crackers. But sadly, to make it in the industry, I need a lot more pull.

***

 What is the largest land mammal who makes makes toys for Santa?

An Elf-phant 

(As co-written with Fiona Riordan)

***

What does Santa drink to relax?

A Grain Beer.

***

Why does 50 cent dislike Christmas presents?

He is a terrible wrapper.

***

How does Santa know who has been naughty or nice?

His close ties with Rudolph Murdoch. 

(As co-written with Fiona Riordan)

***

What is the most frightening gift of the Three Wise Men?

Frankincense’s Monster

***

Why were two of the Three Ghosts of Christmas expelled from school?

Only one was Present.

***

Hear about the actor who stole Christmas wrapping?

In the end, he took a bow.

***

What is the formula for the right Christmas?

Christdensity divided by Christvolume.

***

 ”Christmas really snuck up on us this year.”

“I know! Just like Last Christmas, WHAM!”

***

How did this whole Christmas thing get started?

Some say it was a simple matter of Claus and Effect.

***

Where can you find all the unemployed elves?

In the queue for the North Dole.

***

Hey! How do German Undertakers celebrate Christmas?

Oh, Ten Embalm.

***

“So Mariah Carey, what is Santa getting you this year.”
“Oh, this year I’m looking forward to getting a sheep of my own.”
“Really?”
“Yes, All I want for Christmas is Ewe.”

***

Where does Santa leave presents for fishermen?

In fishnet stockings.

***

Did you hear about the bungee rope made of tinsel?

Ugh another tacky Christmas Jumper.

***

Where is my Christmas “2″?

It’s under the tree.

***

Why is it dangerous to swim on Christmas Morning?

The Yuletide is high.

***

Why is Santa hesitant to name his favourite wine?

He’ll need a few minutes to mull it over.

***

Which story does Scrooge get attacked by cowboys?

A Christmas Corral.

***

A guy walks in a bar at Christmas and asks for a Dancer and Dasher, but changes his mind because they are two deer.

Comic: X-Mastron, the Christmas Robot

Resident (Christmas) Evil

He was amoung the number of the living dead, barely alive, existing only to feed on the living. She was Betty from the accounting department of the corporation that created his limbo-like state. It was the office party. Wine was poured. It was fate. (Alas, after the holidays, when they came back to work, the romance was over. She asked for commitment and he had eaten her cat. Needless to say, they wanted different things)

A Snow Steeped Romance

That night the affair between Santa Claus and Diane Hurley had ended. (Mrs. Claus had grown suspect of Mr Claus’ “Practice Sleigh Runs” at midnight and the smell of mulled wine on his breath on his return.)

Cork Christmas Carol: A Reflection

Three years ago, I had a stunningly original idea; a version of a Christmas Carol, but set in Cork. So we, the Gifted Babies created “Cork Christmas Carol”, which became a rather lopsided view of the original. I thought since it is the season and what not, I would offer some thoughts on it, looking back on its three year anniversary. Here is the short (enjoy!) and meet me below for some thoughts.

Observations:

• The opening montage of Cork combined with narration has quite a Woody Allen vibe to it. If he is watching this, Cork would be a great setting for a nebbish character to find love.
• This is a good recipe for mulled wine, the most valuable message this film imparts.
• Lucy has a low bar to clear for her best Christmas ever.
• Typical Wesley! Only appears at Christmas when the women have made the dinner, and worse yet, doesn’t use a fork. This is why no one invites the Ghost Of Christmas Future to parties.
• If memory serves me correctly, that dinner was delicious.
• A good way to test your narrator: Write long, run on sentences in the style of Dickens.
• A better way to test your narrator: Make him recite the long, run on sentences in the style of Dickens in the voice of Patrick Stewart.
• Everyone keeps their poison next to their cinnamon, right? (Incidentally, the original script had a different death for Lucy in mind: She left the oven on after muling the wine. However accidental death by poison suited the resultant tone better.)
• When we filmed this, it never snowed in Cork. Of course now we had it quite regularly since and more is expected this year. Way to date the film, weather!
• I must compliment the entire cast’s performance in this. It’s all good. (All except my acting, which can only be described as “Deer in Headlights”). Great Work, Aida, Hayret, and Jan (who also did camera work, special effects and editing)!
• Scrooge is watching Carnival of Souls, an excellent film, which (Spoilers) contains one of the first example of the “I was Dead all along” twist ending which has since been run into the ground.
• That last shot is very nice.

Let me know what you think in the comments below.