Christmas Jokes!

December 7, 2011 § Leave a comment

Everyday till the 25th, I will post a joke on Facebook and Twitter. Here are all of them so far:

Why are Advent Calenders so scared?

Their days are numbered.

***

 Why is no one under the age of 11 getting a present this year?

They are on the Noughties List.

***

I would like to write the jokes in Christmas Crackers. But sadly, to make it in the industry, I need a lot more pull.

***

 What is the largest land mammal who makes makes toys for Santa?

An Elf-phant 

(As co-written with Fiona Riordan)

***

What does Santa drink to relax?

A Grain Beer.

***

Why does 50 cent dislike Christmas presents?

He is a terrible wrapper.

***

How does Santa know who has been naughty or nice?

His close ties with Rudolph Murdoch. 

(As co-written with Fiona Riordan)

***

What is the most frightening gift of the Three Wise Men?

Frankincense’s Monster

***

Why were two of the Three Ghosts of Christmas expelled from school?

Only one was Present.

***

Hear about the actor who stole Christmas wrapping?

In the end, he took a bow.

***

What is the formula for the right Christmas?

Christdensity divided by Christvolume.

***

 “Christmas really snuck up on us this year.”

“I know! Just like Last Christmas, WHAM!”

***

How did this whole Christmas thing get started?

Some say it was a simple matter of Claus and Effect.

***

Where can you find all the unemployed elves?

In the queue for the North Dole.

***

Hey! How do German Undertakers celebrate Christmas?

Oh, Ten Embalm.

***

“So Mariah Carey, what is Santa getting you this year.”
“Oh, this year I’m looking forward to getting a sheep of my own.”
“Really?”
“Yes, All I want for Christmas is Ewe.”

***

Where does Santa leave presents for fishermen?

In fishnet stockings.

***

Did you hear about the bungee rope made of tinsel?

Ugh another tacky Christmas Jumper.

***

Where is my Christmas “2”?

It’s under the tree.

***

Why is it dangerous to swim on Christmas Morning?

The Yuletide is high.

***

Why is Santa hesitant to name his favourite wine?

He’ll need a few minutes to mull it over.

***

Which story does Scrooge get attacked by cowboys?

A Christmas Corral.

***

A guy walks in a bar at Christmas and asks for a Dancer and Dasher, but changes his mind because they are two deer.

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