Christmas Jokes!

December 7, 2011 § Leave a comment

Everyday till the 25th, I will post a joke on Facebook and Twitter. Here are all of them so far:

Why are Advent Calenders so scared?

Their days are numbered.


 Why is no one under the age of 11 getting a present this year?

They are on the Noughties List.


I would like to write the jokes in Christmas Crackers. But sadly, to make it in the industry, I need a lot more pull.


 What is the largest land mammal who makes makes toys for Santa?

An Elf-phant 

(As co-written with Fiona Riordan)


What does Santa drink to relax?

A Grain Beer.


Why does 50 cent dislike Christmas presents?

He is a terrible wrapper.


How does Santa know who has been naughty or nice?

His close ties with Rudolph Murdoch. 

(As co-written with Fiona Riordan)


What is the most frightening gift of the Three Wise Men?

Frankincense’s Monster


Why were two of the Three Ghosts of Christmas expelled from school?

Only one was Present.


Hear about the actor who stole Christmas wrapping?

In the end, he took a bow.


What is the formula for the right Christmas?

Christdensity divided by Christvolume.


 “Christmas really snuck up on us this year.”

“I know! Just like Last Christmas, WHAM!”


How did this whole Christmas thing get started?

Some say it was a simple matter of Claus and Effect.


Where can you find all the unemployed elves?

In the queue for the North Dole.


Hey! How do German Undertakers celebrate Christmas?

Oh, Ten Embalm.


“So Mariah Carey, what is Santa getting you this year.”
“Oh, this year I’m looking forward to getting a sheep of my own.”
“Yes, All I want for Christmas is Ewe.”


Where does Santa leave presents for fishermen?

In fishnet stockings.


Did you hear about the bungee rope made of tinsel?

Ugh another tacky Christmas Jumper.


Where is my Christmas “2”?

It’s under the tree.


Why is it dangerous to swim on Christmas Morning?

The Yuletide is high.


Why is Santa hesitant to name his favourite wine?

He’ll need a few minutes to mull it over.


Which story does Scrooge get attacked by cowboys?

A Christmas Corral.


A guy walks in a bar at Christmas and asks for a Dancer and Dasher, but changes his mind because they are two deer.


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