Nightmares in Slush

February 20, 2012 § 2 Comments

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have noticed a sizeable gap in the market so I am writing to you with a “can’t fail” proposal. I bet you can’t wait to hear my Million Dollar Idea! I hope you are sitting down… A Children’s Edition of Abdul Alhazred’s timeless classic “The Necronomicon.”

I know what you are thinking, “What a Great Idea!” Finally, the Magmum Opus of the “Mad Arab” at the fingertips of the next generation. All the dark, unfathomable powers of the cosmos in a format any 5 to 9 year old can comprehend.  It would be a great aid to any school or home library. No more awkward questions like “What is an Elder Thing?”, “Is Yuggoth technically a planet?” and “Which direction are the Mountains of Madness?”

Now you may be concerned about the commercial value for this project. Do not worry, as I have exhaustibly tested it among the classes of St. Michael Elementary School under the guise of an open day, “Bringing The Old Ones to The Young Ones”. It was a great success. The 2nd grade even managed to summon the many limbed Cthulhu, who was not best pleased, I can tell you! Fortunately the resultant havoc was the only bump on an otherwise perfect day. Even the 2nd grade teacher will agree with that, should he ever regain consciousness.

I have been translating obscure texts for several years on an amateur level and I have contributed some articles to the magazines “Esoterica” and “Demonic Literature Yearly”. If interested, I can send you copies.

Please find enclosed a sample three chapters of the book, a synopsis and some examples of illustrations, as inked in human blood (Not mine of course!). I am sending this as part of a series of simultaneous submissions but I would love for “The Early Ages Nerconomicon” to find a home with your publishing house. Thank you for your time and attention, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Cethan Leahy

P.S. Note I have not included a SAE. If my submission is unsuccessful, there is no need to return it. However do not attempt to recycle the manuscript. It has proven resistant to such measures.

UPDATE:

(Some responses from publishers for “The Early Ages Necronomicon”. The names of publishing houses have been withheld out of professional courtesy.)

Dear Cethan,

Thank you for sending your translation of the Necronomicon for Early Ages. We found it unnerving and it is clear that you thoroughly researched it.

Unfortunately, it is not quite what we are looking for at the moment. We are concentrating more on YA fiction and less on abominations in direct violation of Nature’s Laws.

We wish you the best of luck in some career other than writing.

Best wishes,

Mary

  ***

Dear Cethan

We have received your manuscript and we have decided not to take your submission any further.

Since we have received “The Early Ages Necronomicon” this morning, the following things have happened; the photocopier has stopped working, the cleaner complained about a rip in known reality in the kitchen and every book we printed since our establishment in 1854 has burned in a series of mysterious fires.

Curse you for thinking of us

Kath

PS. We have contacted the Vatican for assistance in the disposal of your work. Expect a bill.

  ***

Dear Cethan,

We have burned your manuscript.

Sincerely,

Sandra

  ***

Dear Cethan,

Can you send the remainder of your manuscript? (Please do not interpret this as an interest in publication. We do not wish to publish it. Our intern has undergone a hideous transfiguration and we need the solution in the back to reverse the process. )

Regards

Diane

 ***

Dear Cethan,

We love your “The Early Ages Necronomicon.” Please send us the entire manuscript. With your help, we will be able to welcome a new dawn on this bitter planet and usher in our new overlords.

Sincerely

A Cabal of Mysterious Hooded Gentlemen

P.S. we charge a reading fee of £35. Is that okay?

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